Struggling

Today, I type with so much struggle and mixed emotions in my heart. I hope that I am still a fabulous woman, but just because I feel like breaking down or because I'm having a hard time does mean that I'm not fabulous, right?

My sister, Megan, and I are both adopted by our parents. We came from separate birth parents, her mom seemed to always be there when we were growing up. She didn't seem like she wanted to see her biological mother, but her mom still wrote and sent presents for her birthday and Christmas. I was the one out of us that wanted to meet my mom when we were younger. My birth mom was always in and out of my life (right now, she is partly "in"). Some years she would remember my birthday, some times she wouldn't write, or call. I was blessed enough to meet my birth mom in sixth grade as well as have such supported adoptive parents. Megan never showed any care in the world until she started to get older. She has now met her mom, a few years ago (she is a senior in high school). A few years ago, I wanted to find out about  my birth dad. Some how I found him, although I am not sure because I never felt I solved that "case". He contacted my parents via phone. My sister says she remembers answering the phone a few times when a man asked for "one of her parents" and she asked them who was calling and he responded with "a friend". That was my birth dad contacting my parents after I found him. My mom said that he said he would send pictures of his family but he never did. I didn't find this out for a while, I think because he didn't want me to know.

I struggled a bit when we got married, my birth mom, her parents and grandma attended our wedding, but she did not bring her husband or two boys. I felt like I didn't really matter. All of these years, Megan's mom has been contacting her, showing her all of this love and my mom can't do that, or at least for a long period of time. I was doing ok until my sister told me that she was trying to find her dad and said that she thought she found his wife and siblings on facebook.

I wanted her to find him, because I understand how it feels. I understand to want and almost the need. Well, today she sent me an email of this family. I text her, because she didn't add any text, asking her who it was. She called me telling me it was her birth dad. She did find his family and they (with my parents consent) started talking today. I am so happy for her, I really am! But I can't help but be sad. The part that breaks my heart, too, is my husband doesn't understand, no one understands but people who have been in our shoes. My husband (Shawn) doesn't understand why we have these emotional ties to these "people" because after all, we have parents. And he is right, we do have parents, our adoptive parents will always come first to our birth parents as they raised us, choose us and supported us through our entire lives. But.. but.. our birth parents are our flesh and blood, where we literately came from.

I sound crazy to anyone who doesn't understand or isn't in our shoes. I know... But I start to ask myself all of these ridiculous questions. Why doesn't he want to see who I am today? What does he look like? Do I look like him? Does he have kids, what do they look like? Is there a reason he doesn't want to have contact with me? Would he be proud of me? Would he love me?

I love my parents (adoptive) and I know they love me, but it's still so hard. I am struggling so much today! I am happy for this great milestone my sister is going through, a new path for her, her finding out about her half siblings and biological family, but why can't this be me too? Maybe I'm jealous, jealous that her birth mom always showed her love for her, never forgot her and her dad wants some form of contact between them. But I'm mostly sad and hurt.


Chin up, right?
Stay fabulous, I'm trying.