Life of a Fabulous Girl

11.15.2011

Struggling

Today, I type with so much struggle and mixed emotions in my heart. I hope that I am still a fabulous woman, but just because I feel like breaking down or because I'm having a hard time does mean that I'm not fabulous, right?

My sister, Megan, and I are both adopted by our parents. We came from separate birth parents, her mom seemed to always be there when we were growing up. She didn't seem like she wanted to see her biological mother, but her mom still wrote and sent presents for her birthday and Christmas. I was the one out of us that wanted to meet my mom when we were younger. My birth mom was always in and out of my life (right now, she is partly "in"). Some years she would remember my birthday, some times she wouldn't write, or call. I was blessed enough to meet my birth mom in sixth grade as well as have such supported adoptive parents. Megan never showed any care in the world until she started to get older. She has now met her mom, a few years ago (she is a senior in high school). A few years ago, I wanted to find out about my birth dad. Some how I found him, although I am not sure because I never felt I solved that "case". He contacted my parents via phone. My sister says she remembers answering the phone a few times when a man asked for "one of her parents" and she asked them who was calling and he responded with "a friend". That was my birth dad contacting my parents after I found him. My mom said that he said he would send pictures of his family but he never did. I didn't find this out for a while, I think because he didn't want me to know.

I struggled a bit when we got married, my birth mom, her parents and grandma attended our wedding, but she did not bring her husband or two boys. I felt like I didn't really matter. All of these years, Megan's mom has been contacting her, showing her all of this love and my mom can't do that, or at least for a long period of time. I was doing ok until my sister told me that she was trying to find her dad and said that she thought she found his wife and siblings on facebook.

I wanted her to find him, because I understand how it feels. I understand to want and almost the need. Well, today she sent me an email of this family. I text her, because she didn't add any text, asking her who it was. She called me telling me it was her birth dad. She did find his family and they (with my parents consent) started talking today. I am so happy for her, I really am! But I can't help but be sad. The part that breaks my heart, too, is my husband doesn't understand, no one understands but people who have been in our shoes. My husband (Shawn) doesn't understand why we have these emotional ties to these "people" because after all, we have parents. And he is right, we do have parents, our adoptive parents will always come first to our birth parents as they raised us, choose us and supported us through our entire lives. But.. but.. our birth parents are our flesh and blood, where we literately came from.

I sound crazy to anyone who doesn't understand or isn't in our shoes. I know... But I start to ask myself all of these ridiculous questions. Why doesn't he want to see who I am today? What does he look like? Do I look like him? Does he have kids, what do they look like? Is there a reason he doesn't want to have contact with me? Would he be proud of me? Would he love me?

I love my parents (adoptive) and I know they love me, but it's still so hard. I am struggling so much today! I am happy for this great milestone my sister is going through, a new path for her, her finding out about her half siblings and biological family, but why can't this be me too? Maybe I'm jealous, jealous that her birth mom always showed her love for her, never forgot her and her dad wants some form of contact between them. But I'm mostly sad and hurt.

Chin up, right?
Stay fabulous, I'm trying.

10.31.2011

Who I am

I have been thinking about my blog and how backwards I am doing this. I have name for it, I have the author for it (ME!) but I am just figuring out what material I want to use for it. At first, it was to share my ideas on being fabulous, talk about fabulous people and discuss fabulous ideas. But, I have soon realized that I know the most about myself, about my life and about my fabulous-ness--and not so fabulous-ness. So, I will add a lot of my life into this. I do not know why you are reading this, where you are in your life, how old you are or what you do for a living, but, hopefully you can learn more about me, my struggles and my accomplishments.

I would first like to say that I do not think I am better than any one, that I am rich, or that I am stuck up. I am your average girl, well kind of. :) So that you can better understand me, I will let you know some of the basics right off hand:

First name: Nicole
Marital Status: Married, as of June 18, 2011
Career: Student/Food service. I am a full-time student (major: Health and Human Services) as well as a full-time employee at a Deli/Catering business that is in the town that I live in.
Living Conditions: Excellent. My hubby (Shawn) and I brought a house a little over a year ago, two bed/two bath. As it is just us two, it is perfect. The home is older, but was remodeled right before we bought it. It is so CUTE! It over looks the river in our small town, but is on a hill. So, no flood plain for us :) This community we live in is the town in between where Shawn is from and where I am from--meeting in the middle I guess. So we are close enough to our families so we can visit, but far enough away to have our own lives.
Hobbies: I love cooking/baking. I may not be a "top chef" but I still enjoy it. I also enjoy guns. I target shoot and hunt, thanks to the introduction from Shawn. Polyvore.com is also something I love to log onto and do. Of course, my closet is the size of the average person's, but it is still fun to dream about what I would wear if it was unlimited. My newest hobby will be running. Starting this week, I am doing a couch to 5k program.

Have a fabulous evening!

10.20.2011

We are women, hear us roar!

It has been a while since I have updated my blog. I have not shared any thoughts lately, so here they go.

I am currently working full-time as well as going to school (online) full-time. I feel like sometimes I have so much on my plate, work, homework, class participation, work deadlines, my hubby, family, friends and so on. Are we, women, working to hard? Are we putting to much on our plates?

Think about women in the past. They were housewives, they took care of the cleaning, cooking and children, while the man left the home to make the money. Now, we go out, make money, start businesses, coach others, and still come home to cook, clean and take care of the family. Our lives are filled with many roles: Chef, maid, driver, sister, coach, director, wife, decorator, teacher, therapist, mom, cheerleader, provider, daughter, and lover.

But, when it comes down to it, I love my life. Yes, my life is hectic, messy, most of the time sleepless, and crazy, but I love every minute of it. I work hard for what I want and I love the people I am around. I want to better myself and my lifestyle, so that is why I do all of the things I do. But, I can't help and try to introduce something else onto my plate. Another vegetable won't hurt, will it. ;) Women are powerful, motivated and lovely creatures, wouldn't you say? We are beautiful, hard working, sensitively-strong, individuals who are capable of anything we put our mind to! Embrace that! Learn to use it for the better!

We are women, hear us roar!